If it Hurts They Need to Know

Everything in an affair need not be about sex, passion, clandestine, secrecy; because sometimes it’s just in your face. And, the two people involved may not even know that they are having an affair, because through time, the word affair is associated with sex. They are not having sex, but they appear to be so attracted to each other, that they think its friendship through time; but it is far more. And you will know it because they don’t seem to have boundaries drawn, even when their respective spouses are around.

All the more you know its an affair when one blatantly tells you, “Nobody can take my place in your husband’s life. I can share anything with him, speak anything to him, say anything to him.” You just look at them with a smile of confidence saying, “Same pinch.” Oh, yes, my lady I hope someone says the same thing to you about her and your husband, the pinch will surely be the same. 

No, I believe every wife should be able to own their husband, just as every husband owns their wife. It is mutual ownership. Everything else, everyone else cannot be closer, and definitely not on the same page.

Just as people mature with age, friendships and relationships also mature with age. The conversations shift, the experiences mount, and so also while there is trust in the marriage, there is disgust when a spouse is extremely affectionate towards an outsider to the marriage. It is natural. If this is respected, then many more marriages will survive the divorce gallows.

I accept, I am extremely possessive about the husband. Maybe it stems from my insecure inner child. She always seeks love, and loves to love endlessly. Loyalty is her best friend. And, there is nothing wrong with that, as long as it is not toxic. Unfortunately, we decide insecurity is bad. But, a little bit of keeps our antennas high and us alert for every wave that indicates betrayal. It is a kind of protective mechanism.

At least in my case it keeps the husband happy, as little miss insecurity relaxes when playing with her stress buster hanging between her husband’s legs. And when she plays, he loves it too. It’s an addiction for both. See the benefit of possessiveness and insecurity. She won’t turn around and say, “I’ll screw you if you have an affair.” Instead she says, “Lets play the game of love from foreplay to orgasm.”

We think sex is a bad thing. Something not to be discussed, enjoyed, or desired. Check that! It is the fuel of a marriage, at every age till functional. It keeps the bond strong. It sends the husband happy to work, and bring him home motivated. It keeps the wife wanting to tend to herself even when her hormones are raging mad, and dryness creeps into her.

The problem with dealing with perimenopause is that most women are in denial of the situation. Embrace the situation. The situation being – you want it, and you feel you cannot have it. If you resign to this, he is going to have a sexual affair. If you accept it, then you know what you are dealing with, and go all out to get help.

At the start of the perimenopause phase I thought it was doomsday – no more sex. I fought it in my head. Things changed when I accepted and embraced this situation.

The most amazing thing about the husband is that he is so understanding, a bit to understanding, I feel, though. He thought in this phase he’ll ignore his own desires. I was dealing my lack of wanting it. So, when I did speak to him, it turned out it is something we both are waiting for to happen in natural course of time. Guess what, it just does not happen in natural course of time. You have to make it happen in natural course of time.

It is said in the animal kingdom the female leaves a scent that makes the male know it is time. It is like a turn on scent. He tracks her down, and humps her to tiredness. We humans are social, sexual animals. It is up to the female to charm the man, and he will do the rest to excite her to orgasm wildly. Ladies, begin what he needs to culminate. 

So, also in the case of the affair, the woman charms him, and he follows the charm to culminate it into excitement, whether sexual or just fun and joy when they meet.

The affair is when he has more fun with an outside her. Or, she has more fun with an outside him. It is like there is no boundary between them, and the wife or the husband feels like an outsider, and worse still inferior, because they cannot have that with their spouse. It is an attraction. The outsider will keep repeating, “Make no bones about our relationship. We grew up together. We’ve slept on the same bed together. We care for each other more than anyone else.” You know you need to be even more cautious when there is no loyalty to family; but definitely to your spouse. There is always an ulterior motive there. Definitely no loyalty value.

Kith and kin first, always; and for whom it is not; trust me you are being used for what you bring to the table. 

My father and my mother’s sister were extremely close. She looked up to my father for advise. In fact, before taking any major decision she would seek out his counsel. Their bond was very special. Yet, the lines were drawn. She was not part of my parents’ social circle. She had her life, and we had ours. There were boundaries of respect.

When my parents split, my Aunt came to my father, and told him that though in her heart she felt he was not wrong, yet she owes her loyalty to her sister. She apologised and walked away teary eyed. My father felt the pain, yet had utmost respect for her. I remember him telling me, “Loyalty to your inner circle is first. Her inner circle is her sister. She chose well. Not a decision based on right or wrong, but a decision based on true loyalty.”

I have held that closest to my heart. For this reason I question the motives of a person who walks away from kith and kin to choose loyalty to another. They definitely calculate the direction over the wind. This is not loyalty. This is being calculative and shrewd.

This outside person’s familiarity can only breed contempt in the heart of the insider. What maybe innocent play in the heart of the husband may not be the same from the outsider, whose loyalty is a big question mark.

I feel while the raging hormones make me moody; going through the highs and lows; it definitely makes me wiser, as I feel more aware.

What brought to light this entire observation was a weekend trip to beautiful destination – Kutch. The land where you experience the yellow sand desert, the white salt desert, the sea and the peaks. Apart from that creativity at its best. You can shop till you drop, and again shop till you drop, and again shop till drop, and again shop till your flight. In between the shopping sprees go sight-seeing, eat delicious vegetarian meals; and add a trip to a village where you can shop, too.

That sums up our four-day weekend-pouring-into-first-two-days-of-the-week trip.

Now, in between all of this I observed two couples. One couple the wife so in love with her husband; and he in love with her, albeit publicly awkward. The other couple the husband so in love with the wife and she in love with him dominatingly. The four of them were together all the time. From what I observed the closeness between the awkward husband and the dominating wife was as though they share something special. Well, more from the side of the dominating wife and less from the awkward husband. However, while the awkward husband was not too comfortable showering love on his loving wife; he sure was extremely not awkward showing his playful affection to the loving husband’s dominating wife. Likewise, she would bully her husband and keep calling the loving wife’s husband for everything she needed.

Through the eyes of the observer, there was an affair, which had no sexual connotations, but an openness that should actually be between a husband and wife. 

During the kite flying festival, our entire group invited the two couples to join us. Over lots of chit-chatting we found out that the loving wife’s husband actually loves her, but is just socially awkward about displaying his affection. The dominating wife has known the loving wife’s husband for many years and feels it is alright to cross the bridge and exist within their space of intimacy.  

The Counsellor in me woke up and spoke to the loving wife, “You have to open up and talk to your husband about how you feel. He probably does not realise that crossing the boundary hurts you, all the more because you want to have such a relationship with him. Talk to him. Don’t let her affect you, because when he returns to your space of intimacy, he will build a stronger wall for both of you. Help him return into the comforts of the intimate space of belongingness owned by you both.”

She asked me for my number, and I assertively told her, I am on an indefinite sabbatical, and always open to being friends with strong boundaries of respect. No seeking counselling. If wisdom needs to flow it will, because my hormones are unpredictable, and so are the words that flow according to the moods.

At least the husband feels, wisdom and charm is increasing during this phase, as I have taken the reins of my hormones into my hands. 

By the way, my husband actually held me closely as we walked back to our tent, realising that maybe his social awkwardness is probably causing me more pain than the imbalances of the body.

Make correction to explainging the social awkwardness in this scenario