I Seek, Therefore I Am

When the mind is not stretched, the intellect is not inspired and the ego is dulled, its surely time for something new, something exciting, something challenging. And challenging for my 3 pals – the mind, intellect, ego, is seeking knowledge, giving exams and celebrating the results. It is like a mental fitness regime – enrol for a course, earn a degree or diploma or certificate.

Well, let me first confess that I was never brilliant in academics. I always stood amongst the top 5 from the end. Most would insist that it means I was amongst the bottom five in my class. Well, that is being pessimistic. To me the glass is always half-full, and even if it’s half-empty there is nothing to mourn, for it implies there is space for more. So, I insist I was amongst the top 5 from the bottom end of the grading spectrum.

To be honest, it never perturbed me as such, since I did not feel motivated enough to want to excel, and go further up the ranking towards the top end of the class. I had no interest in being popular, since anyways I w shelled myself under the cloak of inferiority complex, considering almost everyone in my class was from a financially more advanced family. And at times, superiority complex did get ahead of me, by keeping the lesser than me rich kids, at bay. So, it was simple I had a few friends, who have been my besties forever, till this date. 

They were my friends irrespective of my affordabilities, or my grades. They were my friends because they liked me. They did try to push me to study harder, sat with me, helped me with my homework, walked around the corridor during breaks, chatting about all things familiar to us. Yet, I was far to comfortable at the back of the grades spectrum.

Today when I look back, I guess that was my way of protesting for attention from my parents. I always felt they loved my younger sister more. They found it convenient to have my maternal grandparents bring me up for a while. It was weekdays with the Nani and Nana, and then weekends with my parents. 

Weekends with my parents meant Saturday with my best friend and her family, and Sunday morning swim at the club; and the rest of Sunday studying till I was dropped back to my nani-nana’s home.

I was never asked how school was, what was happening, how was I coping. Barely any conversations, at all. Well, the interaction was mostly one-sided, considering my grades were below par. It was a little violent if I had hidden my test papers or report cards. That was all the attention I was getting, albeit negative no doubt. I guess I found comfort in that and excelled in maintaining low grades.

Things turned around when after my tenth standard I felt very sick, and literally returned from the clutches of death. It was the first time I experienced my parents loving me. I guess that must have been the turn around period for me, for after that I chose to excel, academically. I was competitive in college. I want to keep improving. This I guess, was mainly attributed by all the love and attention I received.

Today, I was forced to re-visit the past, as I feel like I stand upon the threshold of boredom. I need to step out and study. I need to go back to academics, enrol in a course, give exams. There is this thirst for knowledge. I have to be crazy to enjoy the thrill of examinations. But why? Why am I pulled back to academics every now and then? What do I truly seek?

I seek love. I seek attention. I seek my presence. I seek validation. I seek approval. I seek celebration of my presence here. I seek respect. I seek affection. I seek approval. I seek intellectual gratification. I seek appreciation. I seek love. I seek ego pleasure. I seek mental agility. I seek life. I seek youth. I seek creativity. I seek challenges. I seek victory. I seek encouragement. I seek, therefore I am.

The thirst for knowledge, may just about get quenched when I achieve the degree, or diploma, or certificate. Yet, the parched mind, intellect and ego churn within seeking for more.

It is not wrong to seek knowledge in the classrooms, as everything taught, is learnt; and it finds its usage, one way or another; and yet some of it is discarded into the cosmos as it has no scope of being implanted in the university of life.

Each breath provides an opportunity to learn. Learning is an on-going process till the exit of the final breath.

Learning and practise may not make one a master in the present lifetime, but it does surely take you closer to being one in the lifetimes to come. We are here to polish our skills, so that at some point when we return in another cloak we attain the level of mastery and excellence. 

For the maestros are not created in a single lifetime, but lifetimes of knowledge seeking and practise have made them immortal gems in their fields of expertise.

You are never too old to learn something new. In fact, you are always young enough to start something new. You are always innocent enough to be creatively inspired to create something innovative. You are always skilled enough to upgrade your skills and polish your talents. You are always young enough to pursue your dreams, and manifest your intentions.

Every phase of life comes to go, and create the path for a new phase. Don’t let a phase of hormonal imbalance create so much turbulence that smashes your confidence, binding you in turmoil. It is not hormones over emotions, and emotions over body. Instead, it is mindfulness over hormones and emotions, and therefore, mindfulness over body.

It is difficult going through this phase, and it gets even tougher when you battle the turbulence within. However, distracting your mind from the turbulence, calms the emotional storm caused by raging confused hormones. 

I feel this is the best time to seek, and therefore be. Go back to that little child within and ask her, “What will excite you right now? What would you like to learn?” For, in learning something new, you are so immersed into it, that nothing else really matters. And when you strive for excellence, enjoy watching your mind, intellect and ego bloat in the attention it garners.

Celebrate yourself, by challenging yourself, to venture onto the path striving for excellence in something your soul knows its building an in-born skill to return as a prodigy.

This is your time to be a student of life, even if it means entering a classroom and giving exams!

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