Surprises bloom When Illusions are Disconnected

The more you crave it; the more it eludes you. Stop craving and it is yours as a surprise. 

This is a lesson we all have to learn from time-to-time, repetitively. Unfortunately, this seems to be a constant lesson for me, at different levels. This may make the quintessential fool, but I defy that accusation, because while the lesson maybe the same, the rewards only gets better each time. I promise you that, especially when it comes human desires.

While we all have a habit of glorifying our strengths, I feel honoured to say that I am so in touch with my reality that I am not only aware of my weaknesses, but I openly reveal it, and effortlessly work towards overcoming them. I guess I claim it to be effortless, simply because I am too lazy to put in any efforts. 

I mean what is the point to put in efforts to change something that cannot be altered with any make-up, when all it needs is wisdom that dawns when the lesson is learnt. I definitely do not claim to be a slow learner, but I am definitely a patient learner. I learn well when I patiently wait, even though I can be whimsical and irritating at times, I admit!

To admit my one glaring weakness, assertively and authoritatively; considering it does belong to me; is that I am kitten always seeking love and affection and attention. I admit, I love to be loved so that I can love even more, and I love even so that I am loved for the sake of love.

Love has its own expressions. Or, is it that we express love differently. Well, however you phrase it is all about experiencing love. While love can about kindness, compassion, caring, sharing, gifting, doting, respecting, honouring, etc.; I include to the list surprising, reminding, love-making, netflixing, serving, co-ordinating, agreeing, etc.

Oh, basically for me anything that feels like, is an expression of love. And when love cannot be expressed, its because there’s a block somewhere in the soul.

So, in my craving for love I have always lived in the shadows of the monstrous expectations. Its always been about living up to other’s expectations. To put it simply I tend to enjoy the perils of being a starving people’s pleaser, within the limits of respectability. 

I craved for my father’s love and attention; which he did give me in the way he deemed bat for me. However, in the days of foolish immaturity I felt he was burdening me with his expectations; and yet I would bend over backwards and do all that I could to please him.

Jealousy and inferiority complexes always got the better of me. They took me away from my soul, making me a beggar for the love I saw showered on my younger sister. I would sulk in corner, and tell people that my father loves my sister more than me. I shaped my personality only for his love.

As a child I yearned to sit on his lap, be hugged by him, be treated with little gifts from him; I begged for appreciation and his attention. All of it dodged me, as he had other plans while moulding me. 

It took me many years to realise that he actually has always loved me, too. He saw in me a warrior, a fighter, a strong woman-in-the-making. All he did with his tough love is make me tougher to face every challenge.

I fought and won every battle that life threw at me. I would look at Dad for a pat on the back, but instead he felt I should look beyond and achieve better. The more I begged for his love, the harsher his expressions.

My father has been a very important chapter in my book of life. He has helped me shape myself into becoming who I am. Even though he could never express his love for me, yet I do gratefully acknowledge his role as my friend, guide and philosopher.

His love has been the blessings. The blessings that took me through the lows with quick awareness of the lessons each experience had for me. He polished me to be worthy of the husband I cherish. 

Yet, what I brought to our marriage was that part of me that yearned to be pampered, cherished, loved, and the centre of attention of my man, my hero.

The husband is a self-made man, with a baggage of his own. So, while I brought my own baggage to the marriage, I knew my biggest responsibility is to help him offload and empty out his. Years of counselling couples matured me enough to know what the husband requires and how to serve all those who are a part of my marriage.

So, after the wedding and a couple of months of the honeymoon period, we gently shifted into the reality of being married. New experiences, new squabbles every now and then, finger-pointing mini-bouts; yet thankfully all resolved within a few minutes, to probably a few hours. I admit with pride that we both are aware that marriage is a constant work in progress.

Yet, in spite of me being so blessed with the husband of my prayers; I craved for something more. I craved for the romance that movies and books and filled me with. I was filled with the greed for the love that is bestowed in media. I wanted the world to see us as the always-in-love-husband-and-wife team.

This madness permeated through my very being, taking me away from my realities. I stopped believing in myself, for everything I looked to the husband for approval and validation. I had only one goal – to make my husband happy, satisfied, proud of his wife. I wanted to prove to the world that I am the best wife possible for the husband.

I was in this whirlpool of love for the husband, where is was losing my soul, my essence; and reduced myself to a mindless teenager giving up everything for so-called love. Well, losing myself was a gain to my husband, yet he has never made an effort to control me. He has never taken the reigns my life into his, even though I have forced it onto him.

In all this, I could not see the love he was showering up on me only because I was clouded by my own delusions of how love between us should be.

I built expectations, forgetting all that he did for me. He gave me more, and always pined for far more. I was living the same drama I enacted while growing up – the insecure, always-seeking-love damsel.

I realised that I was going nowhere with this mind set. I knew I was heading towards destroying our beautiful life. I needed to get a hold myself, and I did just that. 

One night I sat up looking at my husband as he fell asleep. I just kept watching him as he slept peacefully. I felt tears flowing down my cheeks, as I could hear a voice within say to me, “This man loves you far more than you can imagine. He cares for you far more. And he needs you far more than you realise. See how peacefully he sleeps, knowing that you are by his side. See how confidently he goes to work each day, knowing that you are waiting for him to return home. Yet, he pressure him to be what and who he is not, only because you are deluded by all that you see. All that you see is an illusion. Shatter the glass and see the love that binds the both of you. A husband’s love is manifested in the peaceful sleep he gets at night. That is his love for you.” 

Yes, love is not what is showered upon you, love is what is experienced within the silence. Love is bringing peace to another. His love for me is his experiencing peace because of my presence. The husband has never demanded anything from me, but has always gifted me reasons to smile. In his own way and in suitable time has manifested my dreams and wishes. 

Yet, I seem to have lost my way pining for something more cardinal, something physical, or more so a more revealing expression of love, more so to show the world how much my husband loves me. I pined for this from my father, and it continued with the husband. The fault is not in the way the love me; but in the error of my judgement of how love needs to be expressed to be love.

That night made me realise, love that makes you a better person each day, is the true love between souls. While the mind follows the senses and allows itself to be deluded by the nonsense seen, heard, smelt, tasted, or touched; the feelings of the soul knows that love only empowers you to unravel the better-ness of your being.

The closed, conservative and demanding nature of the mind, intellect, ego trinity, clouds the soul’s very existence. The result is stupidity. Oh, and I really don’t like to be or seem to be stupid! So, I choose to feel the expression of love in every word and action that brings about a better me. 

The pain that people and situations have caused me, have only led me to becoming a better version of myself.

The way the husband loves me truly makes me a better version of myself, each day. It’s seen in the glow, highlighted by the touch of make-up to look camera-ready.

The soul knows what the senses fail to understand!

I know I have and I am always loved better than what my senses exclaim to be love.

By the way, to be honest, I do from time-to-time nudge my husband for some expressive love, for I am human, too; on a journey that needs physical gratification. 

Its perfect to be imperfect while in cloak of this body, so pine ofr that love, but not to the level of losing touch with your soul. Don’t let the expression of their love define your worth, in fact increase your value by gratefully acknowledging how their love helps you be a better you, each moment, on this journey. 

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