Karma – The hormonal imbalance!

The first night of the year, a family night. Well a part-of-the-family night, which included my brother-in-law, my sister, my niece, my mother, and the husband. The order of this list is inaccordance to the order of invitations sent out by polite word-of-mouth-over-the-cell-phone. I know it should be Mom first and all the rest follow. In this case the plan was sporadically made as balm for a cancelled plan on 30th December. My brother-in-law was in no mood to step out, and after sunset I go into my shell, unless forced otherwise by the husband, who prefers football matches on TV over the weekend. 

Mother was invited at 6.00 pm, 1st January when the husband got home after his first-day-of-the year-at-work. He asked if, “You told Mummy for tonight.” My neck moved from right-to-left, with a whispering no. “Should I call Mummy for tonight?” My moved from up-to-down with whispering okay. Don’t get me wrong the whispering was not because I did not want Mom to come. I just whisper to the husband after sunset. This is something that’s been happening since a couple of weeks. I guess it’s a fad that will pass, as the hormones regulate themselves back to balance.

Dinner was good – good prawns, good fish, good pork chops, good crab, good jalapeno martini, good strawberry margarita, good caramel custard. Oh, the conversations can be considered good by normal family standards. We just spoke, and spoke. Most of it I do not recall. What I do remember got me to think about Karma!

I conclude Karma is the hormonal imbalance. I tell you young women, girls to still get their periods, and all those suffering the repercussions of crazy hormonal banging – become best friends with Karma, and she’ll correct it, in her own time, depending on her mood.

You suffer, only because you have caused someone suffering intentionally or unintentionally. But that woman will pull the knobs and make your hormones create a tsunami of emotions if she feels you need to pay for something you have done.

So, last night my mother sat across me and said, “Darling you are all knotted up.” 

That let out a confession. “Yes, Mom, you are right. Every evening I get all emotional, knotted and cranky. I cry into my pillow while sleeping. It’s all about the nights. I hate the evenings. I hate the nights even more.”

So, Mom added, “Darling its your fears working against you.”

Like a good daughter I started telling her matter-of-factly, “Mom, I don’t understand, but I get depressed in the evenings. I am so dry that I know there is no fun to offer the husband. I am just not into it. And, just when I think I am into it, it hurts so bad that no more. I hate that I hate it right now Mom.” Obviously, there were tears rolling down the sides of my cheeks, and my sister was listening, and waiting to put her tongue in and wag it with ideas flowing. 

Thankfully, Mom continued, “Darling, its your fears. You fear you cannot love your husband the way you want to, and the way you feel he needs to be loved. This is all new to you. It will pass by. When I went through this I had a nervous breakdown and then once I recovered, I just went all out into the world. The phase just passed. You need to get out.”

That is exactly when Karma, the bitch came in front of me screaming in my insides – “You left your mother alone when she needed you most. See, now you feel so alone even when you have more than you could have imagined. Alone, alone is your punishment.”

Just as my insides was listening to Karma admonish my conscience, my outer ears heard the husband talk about, “I…. me…. Myself.” I retorted, “You are not the only one in this marriage; how about trying us and we.” Well, I was not rudely loud, but sarcastically gentle. He got the message and I went back to the conversation with my mother.

One thing about my mother is that she is really spooky. She just knows what is going on in my mind. That has helped me deal with all the problems thrown at me by my conscience. The problem with conscience related problems is that nothing is ever told you directly. You have to figure it out. I am sure conscience is also a woman with hormonal imbalances. She will throw at you silence, and expect you to figure it out.

I admit, I am an expert at that. I am out in open when I am happy and I know it. I am in my shell sulking when I am upset and I know it. When I am happy and I know it that world will know why. When I am sad and I know it the world will have to figure it out, because truthfully, I am trying to figure it out to.

The problem is that I know why I am upset now, but I need to go deeper to know what karma is trying to teach me. So, while I am sulking, I am actually exploring the depths of my conscience ot know the why of the why I am upset. You know conscience does not make it simple, so I just keep going deeper and deeper. When I am done, I return and I am happy and I know it.

It’s so simple. Women are simple, actually when you understand that it is not them but the twin bitches – Karma and Conscience that always need attention. They’ll let you know this with pms (pre-menstrual stress, just in case you were wondering!), till you menstruate and lack of oestrogen, hot flushes and the works when you are menopausing.

I was just wondering if menopause, actually comes from the combination of men-o-pause – men, pause because your woman is dry and low, in the midst of a tsunami of emotions!

Back to Karma! If I ignore her right now, she is going to punish me more with her silent screaming in my inside world. 

So, Karma to set the record straight, way back I did not dessert my Mom. She did not dessert me either. You through at us challenges. You led her away to deal with her miseries of her forties, while I grappled with my miseries of my twenties. I did not know why she was going through emotional lows and lows, as it was accompanied by bouts of anger that always scared me. If I knew what caused it, I would have known how to deal with it. 

I know years later the conspiracy theory in my head said that Mom was struggling with her mid-life crisis, which made it difficult for all of us. I always wished I knew better; but the truth is at that time, I did know the best at that time – I have to survive emotionally, financially and mentally if I wanted to live.

So, right now am I actually paying a price for letting my Mother go? I do feel alone, lonely, on my own. My self-esteem is in the range of minus whatever. I feel I am just not good enough. Is this because of what happened to Mom, or is this my journey.

I can’t but help find similarities between her situation and mine. She did not have her children with her; and I have no children of my own now. She and my father had separated back then; and I feel disconnection between the husband and me. She had to start her life from scratch; and I feel I need to re-invent myself after a two-year sabbatical. 

Are there similarities because I was an irresponsible daughter?

Or, is this a phase every woman goes through, because it is part of the process?

Truth-be-told; Karma and Conscience maybe seated in the supreme court of life, but the fact is that my mother holds no grudge, and she has always pulled me out of the dungeon. Just like last night when she told me, “Its your fears that are knotting you. Let go, and know it’s a phase.”

To add to that my sister’s suggestions had to come in, “IF you face this in the evenings, come we’ll hang out at the Cat Café.”

Seriously, the beard down there is turning salt-and-pepper, and the pussy is not meowing, because its not raining; and she wants to me to hang out at a café with cats everywhere. Cute, but I don’t think playing with cats is going to fix my meow. 

Karma and conscience will have to let go of the sulking, which is probably driven by guilt and return my mojo to me. I need to let my husband back in, and help him help me help my self help my hormones find the balance.

We need to change the genetic coding of women sulking, maybe then the problem of hormonal imbalances will be solved forever. We need to begin with twin bitches – Karma and Conscience; and the sulking will cease. The world will be a happier place with hormonal balance everywhere.

I love you Mom. You are so strong, and I wish I got that from you. 

Right now, the sun is close to setting and my shell seems appealing; but I think I need to help my husband help me help my self stay out of the shell and in his company, through the evening; till sleep happens and the dawn cracks its whip of another day, another date. 

Please enable JavaScript in your browser to complete this form.